I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
