I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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