dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
