So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
