A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
