there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
