He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
