i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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