I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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