the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
