pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
