I think I just saw someone hide a body.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
