he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
