I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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