Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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