I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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