So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
