What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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