Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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