I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
