My friends, they love my intelligence
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
