next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
