Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
