I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
