hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
