I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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