Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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