i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
