If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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