So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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