ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
