I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
