so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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