I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
