you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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