She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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