Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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