I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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