she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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