She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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