My friends, they love my intelligence
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
