I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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