I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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