Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
