bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
