I'm sorry my penis didn't work
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
