I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
