I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
