my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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