People in love make me want to vomit
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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